From Science Correspondent Niels Van der Geek
The Queen has recently been contemplating time Zones. Having been corresponding with her citizen Tundra Threads and having had to figure out what time it was in the artic circle of Canada, questions were raised.
The first was : Who invented time zones? According to Wikipedia the answer is that the first time zone was created by British railways on December 1st 1847, which anyone who has tried to travel cross-country on a Sunday will agree is where they are still stuck.
The second is - if the world is divided into 24 'lunes' - those wedge shaped lines on the map which get a bit wonky arond certain political borders - then, given that they converge at the poles, what time is it where the penguins live?
US Today gives the answer to that:
"As a practical matter, having all of the time zones means there is really no time zone for the polar regions. In Antarctica, the U.S. stations uses New Zealand time because most Americans who go to Antarctica for the U.S. Antarctic Program fly to and from there via Christchurch.
Once you arrive in New Zealand for the U.S. Antarctic Program, you could fly to Antarctica, everywhere that a U.S. airplane could take you on the continent, and back to Christchurch without ever having to change the time on your watch.
Since the only station at the South Pole is the U.S. station, the time used there is New Zealand time.
Other nations tend to use their home time zones in Antarctica, which makes radio and e-mail contacts simpler.
The permanent research stations in the Arctic are in countries, such as the Barrow Science Center in Barrow, Alaska, and these use the local time. When researchers venture out onto the Arctic Ocean ice, they can use any time the wish. But, in most cases it's probably easier to use the time for the institution, such as a university, that you are working for. "
Which of course then begs the question, what time is it in Quiltland?
Since nothing annoys the Queen more than lack of puncuality ( except illogicality or people who illegally ride disabilty scooters at 3mph in the middle of a main road) allowing citizens to simply apply the time in the state of their dual nationality will not work. Plus, the Queen being the Queen decided to push this concept of time to the next level whilst at the same time keeping things simple.
Accordingly she has taken a rotary cutter and cut a freehand curve in the time-space continuum at the borders of Quiltland. That means that upon entering Quiltland a quilter will enter at the precise time she last left meaning that nothing will have been missed. A system of woven time lunes ( appropriate genuine scientific term, no?) means that quilting experiences will run on extended loops allowing citizens to jump in and out of events which will be attended at the same virtual time by quilters who jump in from different terrestial time zones. So, Quilter A can come in at 1pm EST which is actually 6pm GMT but Quilter B can come in at 7pm GMT ( which in the summer is actually 6pm BST) and find Quilter A still there even though Quilter A left at 1.30 EST.
A further function of this time system is the elasticity of Quiltland time. This in effect means that whilst Quilter A only loses 30 minutes in terrestial time she can enjoy as long as she wants in Quiltland, enabling a king size quilt to be made in the time it takes on home time to boil the kettle.
In testing the only disadvantage of this system was found to be quilters who felt that they could not financially afford to maintain a stash that could be busted so fast on home time. Accordingly the Queen has issued a decree proclaiming that a Bank of Quiltland credit card shall be available to all citizens which shall be acceptable in quilt stores in home nation states. All purchases shall be processed in Quiltland, the overlapping time zones meaning that home nation state shop owners shall be paid on their home time enabling them to meet their taxes and wholesaler bills on time. However, debits to cover the credit bill taken from citizen's home state bank accounts shall be applied in quiltland time meaning that the cash shall not be processed through their accounts until their death.
Monday, 21 January 2008
Monday, 7 January 2008
UFOs banned
With the establishment of a new state comes the need to establish an official communal language. Whilst most citizens will be comfortable with English, the Queen has decreed that it would be an opportunity missed if a new langauge were not to be created, following the example of Israel and Modern Hebrew.
Therefore, all official documents will be produced in both English and the new language -Quiltish. Quiltish is to English what American is to English. An entirely new language with a common foundation. The Queen said, "No doubt as my land expands and as my citizens participate in the production of these chronicles (which I very much encourage them to do) new phrases and meanings will organically form. However, sometimes a language is as much formed by the absence of usage as it is by the invention of new words. For example, one would not expect Quiltish to include the usage of now outmoded words for Black Americans or South Africans once common in other forms of English"
The Queen in subsequent press interviews refused to be drawn as to whether this policy was influenced by the story that Gerorge Bush once said, "The trouble with French is that there is no word for entrepeneur". She did hint that this policy was however heavily influenced by a recent post and subsequent email correspeondence with Jennifer ( Ed :who is currently not a citizen - why not Jennifer?!)
However, the Palace has now issued the Quiltish ( Useage Regulations No 1) 2008 which provides that the term 'UFO' as commonly applied to quilting has unnecessarily negative connotations and will be banned. Instead a range of terms will be embedded in Quiltish in order to give a positive attitude and a whole range of subtle meanings. The Queen's contributions are:
(1) process samples
This term is to be used when a quilt top was started to enable the quilter to learn or enjoy a partciular technique or colour theme but the intended lesson was learned before completion and so the quilt has served it purpose and needs not be completed but will be retained for memory purposes
(2) fallow quilts
These will be finished eventually when the muse returns. They are not to be condemned as unfinshed - they are just not-yet-finished.
(3) economy drivers
These are quilts that the original maker will not complete but at some point - for whatever reason- will pay someone else to complete thus boosting the exchange of currency in Quiltland.
(4) GAP quilts
(Gifts awaiting purpose)
These quilts have been taken to a sufficient level that when a gift is required quickly they can be completed with an appropriate amount of personalisation.
(5) Historical record quilts
The Queen is saddened by the reference to some partial quilt tops as 'ugly' or 'malformed'. She is determined that every piece of patchwork should be vauled for its own characteristics even if it does have seam difficulties or a value disorder. Quilts with disabilties such as these can contribute to society - for example they can be archived as good example of fabrics available at a particular time in history, or exhibited by artists as examples of their learning process.
We at the Chronicles look forward to recieving via the editors email or by comments other definitions of UFO or indeed other terms you would like to see given the Quiltish treatment
Therefore, all official documents will be produced in both English and the new language -Quiltish. Quiltish is to English what American is to English. An entirely new language with a common foundation. The Queen said, "No doubt as my land expands and as my citizens participate in the production of these chronicles (which I very much encourage them to do) new phrases and meanings will organically form. However, sometimes a language is as much formed by the absence of usage as it is by the invention of new words. For example, one would not expect Quiltish to include the usage of now outmoded words for Black Americans or South Africans once common in other forms of English"
The Queen in subsequent press interviews refused to be drawn as to whether this policy was influenced by the story that Gerorge Bush once said, "The trouble with French is that there is no word for entrepeneur". She did hint that this policy was however heavily influenced by a recent post and subsequent email correspeondence with Jennifer ( Ed :who is currently not a citizen - why not Jennifer?!)
However, the Palace has now issued the Quiltish ( Useage Regulations No 1) 2008 which provides that the term 'UFO' as commonly applied to quilting has unnecessarily negative connotations and will be banned. Instead a range of terms will be embedded in Quiltish in order to give a positive attitude and a whole range of subtle meanings. The Queen's contributions are:
(1) process samples
This term is to be used when a quilt top was started to enable the quilter to learn or enjoy a partciular technique or colour theme but the intended lesson was learned before completion and so the quilt has served it purpose and needs not be completed but will be retained for memory purposes
(2) fallow quilts
These will be finished eventually when the muse returns. They are not to be condemned as unfinshed - they are just not-yet-finished.
(3) economy drivers
These are quilts that the original maker will not complete but at some point - for whatever reason- will pay someone else to complete thus boosting the exchange of currency in Quiltland.
(4) GAP quilts
(Gifts awaiting purpose)
These quilts have been taken to a sufficient level that when a gift is required quickly they can be completed with an appropriate amount of personalisation.
(5) Historical record quilts
The Queen is saddened by the reference to some partial quilt tops as 'ugly' or 'malformed'. She is determined that every piece of patchwork should be vauled for its own characteristics even if it does have seam difficulties or a value disorder. Quilts with disabilties such as these can contribute to society - for example they can be archived as good example of fabrics available at a particular time in history, or exhibited by artists as examples of their learning process.
We at the Chronicles look forward to recieving via the editors email or by comments other definitions of UFO or indeed other terms you would like to see given the Quiltish treatment
Friday, 4 January 2008
Tourist accommodation ratings
The Queen today set out the official categories and minimum standards to apply to tourist accommodation available in Quiltland.
Home stays
One star rating
Will provide accommodation in the home of a fellow quilter to include a proper bed with quilt not duvet, shared bathroom facilities and homecooked breakfast.
Two star rating
As above with private bath. Prices up to 20% extra.
Three star rating
Put me up bed or sofa located in quilting studio and/or stash room. A minimum of 10 square feet of stacks of fabric, patterns, books or orphan blocks must be available for the guest to furtively peruse in the middle of the night. Prices up to 75% extra.
Kibutzim
Communal living with other quilters. Ideal for costs saving as there will be no monetary charge but vistors must pool their stash and will be expected to perform tasks such as rotary cutting or basting for one hour per stay. Children and non-quilting spouses welcome, but will be cared for communally by Swedish nannies in the nursery.
Hotel
The Queen hates mediocre hotels and so the rating will start at :
Four star
Ensuite full bath with shower over bath, king size bed, ironing board and hairdryer. WIFI access. Breakfast included. No hotel in any category will have
(a) grey grout in the bathroom
(b) stupid little cartons of milk on the hospitality tray that contain a dribble then spill anyway
(c) stipple artex ceilings or walls
(d) shower gel nailed to the wall
(e) one hard pillow per guest
(f) one power socket located miles from the bed or mirror
(g) 15 watt lights
(h) a mini-bar price list that makes guests prefer to drink warm tap water from cellophane wrapped plastic glasses
(i) thinking about it - cellophane wrapped plastic glasses
(j) hairdryer that emits a gnats breath of air
The Queen however does like the price of mediocre hotels and therefore all hotels rooms will attract a state subsidy in the event that the guest is
(a) attending a quilt show, symposium or seminar
(b) shop hopping
(c) single quilt shop visiting
(d) on non-quilt related business but bringing along quilting or quilt books/magazines for the evening
(e) with a family on non-quilt relating activities but secretly planning on doing (c) above anyway or in the alternative to wander around looking at architecture for patterns
Five star
As above with these additional features:
1. Work desk or dresser will be wide enought to take a 24 inch cutting board and will have a range of sockets nearby. (Nearby does not mean placed in a row behind the desk, just above the skirting board, so that the guest has to shift the minibar and crawl on hands and knees through dust bunnies to get to them.)
2. A sofa. With a daylight lamp nearby for hand sewing.
3. Tiles in the bathroom will be of sufficient complexity to allow the bath water to go fully cold in the time it takes the bather to work out how the block repeat works.
4. The ironing board will not be a faffy little thing attached to the trouser press which in turn is attached to the wall. It will be a full board with facility to plug it in near the cutting board.
5. Height adjustable seat for quilters travelling with machines.
6. Design wall or as a minimum complementary bowl of pins for pinning blocks to the curtains.
7. DVD player with Ricky Tims instructional films to rent.
8. Notepads by the telephone big enough to be used to doodle a whole quilt pattern out on in the middle of the night.
9. Those promotional mechanical pencils with the hotel name on - the Queen rates those as among her very favourite marking tools
10. Mini bar stocking spray starch and 505 spray.
11. Food on the room service menu that can be eaten with one hand whilst still guiding fabric through a machine with the other.
12. For single female travellers, rooms near the lift with spy holes, makeup remover in the bathroom and a telephone with a message service which tells the caller, "I am sorry the person you are calling is not available. However, room sensors indicate that she is alive and well. Yes she does miss you, no, she does not know where you left your glasses and the takeout menu is in the third drawer of the dresser. If you wish to dare leave a message please do so after the beep."
13. Fitness area, sauna, pool, synthropol plunge and steam iron room.
14. Onward parcel service ( at quilt show venues only). Hotels will wrap purchases and send them to a home address in bags marked (at the guests choice) variously 'Nappy (Diaper) laundry service', 'Gold Grade Rose Manure', or ' Fragile - this way up, contains Mother- in -Law."
All inclusive
As five star with the addition of:
1. All meals, snacks, locally produced spirits and fabrics.
2. Drawers in each room producing a full range of notions.
3. Pillow menu
4. Sewing machine menu.
5. Complementary cosmetics, pantyhose, underwear and clothes for travellers needing airline baggage allowance for their project bag.
Home stays
One star rating
Will provide accommodation in the home of a fellow quilter to include a proper bed with quilt not duvet, shared bathroom facilities and homecooked breakfast.
Two star rating
As above with private bath. Prices up to 20% extra.
Three star rating
Put me up bed or sofa located in quilting studio and/or stash room. A minimum of 10 square feet of stacks of fabric, patterns, books or orphan blocks must be available for the guest to furtively peruse in the middle of the night. Prices up to 75% extra.
Kibutzim
Communal living with other quilters. Ideal for costs saving as there will be no monetary charge but vistors must pool their stash and will be expected to perform tasks such as rotary cutting or basting for one hour per stay. Children and non-quilting spouses welcome, but will be cared for communally by Swedish nannies in the nursery.
Hotel
The Queen hates mediocre hotels and so the rating will start at :
Four star
Ensuite full bath with shower over bath, king size bed, ironing board and hairdryer. WIFI access. Breakfast included. No hotel in any category will have
(a) grey grout in the bathroom
(b) stupid little cartons of milk on the hospitality tray that contain a dribble then spill anyway
(c) stipple artex ceilings or walls
(d) shower gel nailed to the wall
(e) one hard pillow per guest
(f) one power socket located miles from the bed or mirror
(g) 15 watt lights
(h) a mini-bar price list that makes guests prefer to drink warm tap water from cellophane wrapped plastic glasses
(i) thinking about it - cellophane wrapped plastic glasses
(j) hairdryer that emits a gnats breath of air
The Queen however does like the price of mediocre hotels and therefore all hotels rooms will attract a state subsidy in the event that the guest is
(a) attending a quilt show, symposium or seminar
(b) shop hopping
(c) single quilt shop visiting
(d) on non-quilt related business but bringing along quilting or quilt books/magazines for the evening
(e) with a family on non-quilt relating activities but secretly planning on doing (c) above anyway or in the alternative to wander around looking at architecture for patterns
Five star
As above with these additional features:
1. Work desk or dresser will be wide enought to take a 24 inch cutting board and will have a range of sockets nearby. (Nearby does not mean placed in a row behind the desk, just above the skirting board, so that the guest has to shift the minibar and crawl on hands and knees through dust bunnies to get to them.)
2. A sofa. With a daylight lamp nearby for hand sewing.
3. Tiles in the bathroom will be of sufficient complexity to allow the bath water to go fully cold in the time it takes the bather to work out how the block repeat works.
4. The ironing board will not be a faffy little thing attached to the trouser press which in turn is attached to the wall. It will be a full board with facility to plug it in near the cutting board.
5. Height adjustable seat for quilters travelling with machines.
6. Design wall or as a minimum complementary bowl of pins for pinning blocks to the curtains.
7. DVD player with Ricky Tims instructional films to rent.
8. Notepads by the telephone big enough to be used to doodle a whole quilt pattern out on in the middle of the night.
9. Those promotional mechanical pencils with the hotel name on - the Queen rates those as among her very favourite marking tools
10. Mini bar stocking spray starch and 505 spray.
11. Food on the room service menu that can be eaten with one hand whilst still guiding fabric through a machine with the other.
12. For single female travellers, rooms near the lift with spy holes, makeup remover in the bathroom and a telephone with a message service which tells the caller, "I am sorry the person you are calling is not available. However, room sensors indicate that she is alive and well. Yes she does miss you, no, she does not know where you left your glasses and the takeout menu is in the third drawer of the dresser. If you wish to dare leave a message please do so after the beep."
13. Fitness area, sauna, pool, synthropol plunge and steam iron room.
14. Onward parcel service ( at quilt show venues only). Hotels will wrap purchases and send them to a home address in bags marked (at the guests choice) variously 'Nappy (Diaper) laundry service', 'Gold Grade Rose Manure', or ' Fragile - this way up, contains Mother- in -Law."
All inclusive
As five star with the addition of:
1. All meals, snacks, locally produced spirits and fabrics.
2. Drawers in each room producing a full range of notions.
3. Pillow menu
4. Sewing machine menu.
5. Complementary cosmetics, pantyhose, underwear and clothes for travellers needing airline baggage allowance for their project bag.
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