Quiltland Red Light District

Consternation and great debate is rife in Quiltland today as the Queen decreed her intention to permit a red light district in the Quiltery. Despite the fact that it will be discreetly placed at the bottom of the extensive grounds, so that there is no danger of any one whose personal morals are not compatible with the concept having to have personal contact with the area, Quilting Puritans have voiced concerns.

Maude Mayflower said, "Any besmirching of the purity of Baltimore Quilts will be vigorously opposed by the Quiltland Daughters of the Revolution Branch."

The Queen however was at pains to explain her reasoning. "Citizens will appreciate that Quiltland is a country which welcomes all but distinguishes itself from surrounding nation states. People should not assume that my red light zone will have any of the terrible disadvantages of that in, say, Amsterdam or Frankfurt."



In an open and frank speech, unikely to be mimicked by any other world leader she revealed what many might feel to be moral weaknesses. She explained that her decision followed her acquisition of this book:
She said, "I openly confess that I own this book and that this book can only be described as quilting pornography. The quilts in it are what my mother would call 'brazen hussies'. They are brash and put themselves on show. There is no hiding that the making of them involved naked joy. I will not use what I may call the 'Playboy' excuse, beloved of men, that I was 'buying it for the articles'. There are indeed words in the book but they are a mere supporting act to the tantalsing full frontal full colour pictures.

"The fact that publishers of such material remain in business indicate that I am not alone in the pleasure I take in such pictures. I believe it to be deeply sad that there are citizens who, in their nation states, will be forced to cover this book in brown paper and gaze at it in secret, hiding it in laundry rooms or the boot of the car, unable to confess to their spouses that they are spending money on such visual titilation. In Quiltland this behaviour shall be normalised for those who wish to indulge.

"It is of course necessary for safeguards to be put in place. A psychologist will be on call at the Quiltery to offer free therapy to anyone who feels that they are spending more time in the red light zone than the actual quilting zone. In order that there will be no fiscal consequences of visits the quilting pornography will be free at the point of use based on an honesty system which will request users to add their own secret stash to the library for communal use. "

As if this was not enough of a shock the Queen went one step further and introduced what a quilt curator condemned as "Quilting prositution'. There will be a walk in closet in which a range of quilts will display themselves. They will be available by the hour for a modest fee. The Queen explained,

"There will be no illegal immigration of quilts made in sweatshops tolerated. There will be no undervaluing of quilts. No maker will be forced to put their quilts on display for hire. Any citizen who feels that they do not want to provide their quilts for such purposes but are considering it for financial reasons will be eligible to support from the Quiltland Benevolent Fund. No pimps will be able to take a cut of profits. It is, however, time we recognised that it is a natural, common human need, an undeniable urge that all Quilters have to stroke, touch, pet and snuggle with a quilt. I do not believe that such activities need be confined to quilts which are introduced exclusively to the Quilters household for life. "

Maude Mayflower looked distinctly sick when asked for her reaction to this latter suggestion but managed to stutter out. ".. infection risk... prophilatic white gloves..." before dropping to a dead faint. However, another quilter, approached at the airport , who wished to reamain anoynmous said, "Don't tell my husband, because generally I give my quilts away to good causes, but yeah, I'd love to come back and have a huge selfish orgy, just me an a big pile of beautiful quilts all around me, all over me.Oh boy, yeah!"

New! Agony aunt column.

NEW FEATURE : YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED BY AUNTY EYLET

Dear Aunty Eylet

I was a tourist recently in Quiltland. I saw a local making a beautiful quilt and I asked 'Oh what is that for?" because I was so taken with it and wondered how she was going to use it. However, she looked quite discomforted by the question and did not answer. Was I inadvertently rude? Is it culturally inappropriate to ask a Quiltland native about her work?
Worried of Kansas


Dear Worried of Kansas,

Most Quiltland citizens love to show off their work and revel in any attention and praise you may give it. However, there are certain cultural nuances as to how you should show that interest which you probably transgressed.

The easiest way to avoid offence is to phrase questions as if the quilt were a child. The quilter goes through a similar range of emotions to pregnancy during the making of a quilt - the joy of conception of the idea, shopping trips, a stage of intense nausea with the thing, a final push at the end, for example.

So, just as you would never admire a baby sleeping in a pram and ask 'Oh what it is for?', you can usually assume a quilt has been created out of love and longing. Many quilters have a biological clock which practicially forces them to make quilts because they fear that they will die with ideas still in their heads. Most quilts are indeed, planned and welcomed by both quilter and partner and the quilt is for a sense of completion in their lives or the joy of its company in years to come. However, circumstances may be more difficult and hard to talk about to a tourist.

If you saw a long-armer she may be like a surrogate mother, having to head over her beautiful creation never to see it again and your question may have triggered a sense of loss as well as in fact asking for information she did not posess. Or the quilt may in fact be the unplanned product of a love affair with fabric which has involved lying to the quilter's partner and the hiding of receipts. It is even possible - especially if you saw communal quilting activity - that the quilt birth will even be concealed from all but the birthing group and will be adopted out as a gift quilt before the partner even knows about it.

So, it may be better to limit yourself to statements of praise such as" Oh isn't it beautiful" or " You must be so proud." You may even try the local phrase which is very similar to the goo-goo-goo sound commonly made over babies but which sounds more like "oooh-oooh-oooh, a quilt!"

Of course, this anaology like any other can be stretched until it breaks its limits. There are some questions which are perfectly acceptable in Quiltland which probably are best not applied to babies such as 'Is it for sale?", "Have you put a picture on the internet?" or, "Is that one of Ricky Tims'?".

The Quiltery

The Queen has been pondering her new residence. Of the view that sleeping on the streets of Quiltland under a dog eared four-patch was not fitting to her status, she nonetheless was anxious about building a Palace for fear that her subjects would compare her to a greedy expolitative ex-European dictator.

However a faithful aide pointed out that as she was not intending to don 20 foot ermine trains, possess a tiara, or even wear sparkly pink dresses accessorised with a glitter wand, she deserved something as a reward for existing soley to amuse her citizens.

Thus she has decided to build The Quiltery ( with thanks to Citizen Lisa for the name). The Queen will have private quarters on the top floor but has decreed that the lower floors shall be open to the public. Consultation is now taking place as to what the building shall contain/ resemble. The Queen's current thoughts are as follows:



1. The building shall be designed by Daniel Libeskind with whom the Queen is developing a slight obsession. He designs in a highly inventive way in which the structure of the building has meaning and the Queen highly recommends his autobiography. She particularly liked his tale of designing the Imperial War Museum Manchester by dropping a teapot from a window, running down and picking up the three largest shards and arranging them into the building where they now represented the shattering of the earth by war. Or something. The Queen has arranged her summer holiday to alow visitation of two of his buildings and would dearly love one all of her own.

2. There will be a series of functional rooms which can be booked by citizens to form a rolling quilting club, namely

(a) a pre-wash laundry service. Drop, go, collect dye free.

(b) sewing rooms. One room will have extra wide tables for machine sewing, one will have soft armchairs for hand quilters. One will have old films playing. The George Clooney Studio will specialise. Citizens will be able to rent lockers so that they can leave work here and come anytime they want and quilt with friends. The time zone mechanism previously reported will be localised so that a quilters individual preference for a desk can be met

(c) the stash cellar. Throughout the whole of the basement area shelves will run with stash available for all citizens renting work space. Magic will mean that this stash always has just enough of every piece of fabric and every possible embelishment ever printed/ created. However, daily rumages in the stash will be limitedto 75% of whatever the quilter needs to complete her work so that a visit to a Local quilt store ( see below) is still required.

(d) coffee posts. Nooks and crannies will have self service refreshment posts close to each work area. these will be themed to allow for allergies, dietery needs and just plain fussiness. The Quuens favourite is to be the cheesecake bar at which a fridge will contain slices of baked New York cheescake and the optics will be filled with sauces. Dishes of toppings from fruit to chunks of Toblerone will line the bar. (The Queen, like everyone else does however wish to know why Toblerone is only ever seen for sale at airports. And why at airports it is sold in bars big enough to use as an onboard weapon).

The Quiltery will be located in an environment to suit everyone, having different scenery on each side of the building so lovers of moutains, sea, country and city can all be satisfied. There will be a local comunity a short walk from the door with a local quilt shop. This shop is not yet open for trading pending the building of the Quiltery and thus the Queen welcomes comments on (a) what else you would like in The Quiltery and (b) what are the best ideas and features you have seen in Quiltshops in your nation states that we should combine in our Quiltland LQS?

Finally, please enter the Quilt Show!!

First Quiltand Quilt show

The Queen is pleased to announce her royal endorsement for the

Quiltand Jealousy Quilt Show.

Her Highness sincerely invites all her citizens ( and indeed any foreigners who wish to join in) to participate, otherwise Her Majesty is going to feel a right royal prat cutting the ribbon on opening day in an empty show.

Here are the rules:
1. Each competitor may nominate up to two quilts. These quilts should be ones that they wish with all their heart that they could have made.

2. The nomination may, but need not be, for outstanding technical brilliance. The nomination may be for whimsiness, design, sheer cuddleablity or anything else the nominator wishes. They need not be by professional quiltmakers.

3. To enter the nominator shall e-mail The Queen at quiltlandchronicle@talktalk.net That e-mail shall

(a) have in the title the words Jealousy Show

(b) give the name of the quilt and the name of the maker

(c) give the name of the nominator and the name of their blog

(d) contain a working link to a picture of the nominated quilt in a website somewhere.

(e) have a brief sumary of why the quilt was chosen and how you found it.

It is to be taken as granted that each nomiator will in reality wish they had made many more quilts that they can nominate and may have chosen their nominations almost at random from their personal list.

4. If the nominator wishes she can contact the maker of the quilt, tell her of the nomination and ask permission for a copy of the picture to be added to this site. This is not essential. If no such permssion is granted the link only will be displayed in the show. Any permission granted should be forwarded to the above e-mail. The permission can come in separately from the nomination - there is no need to delay entry until it is obtained.

5. Nominations will be accepted until 22nd February 2008 .

6. Sometime thereafter -as soon as The Queen can manage which may well depend on whether she is inundated ( as she hopes!) with emails! - all the nominations will be displayed on this site either by way of link only or picture and link.

7. Viewers may then vote on their favourites.(Instructions will be given on the show itself).

8. At close of voting ( on 13th March - because the Queen goes away just after that!) there will be two winners:
(a) The Queen's choice - the one which in her royal arbitrariness she would most like hanging on her palace walls.

(b) Visitor's choice - the one you pick. In the event of a tie in this category there will be a quilt off with a further vote until a winner emerges or until the Queen loses interest and decides she can afford to award a gift to all remaining tied quilts!

If the visitors choice co-incides with the Queen's the second vistors choice will be the winner in that category.

For both categories the nominator will recieve a small, light ( less light if you are in the UK!), presently undefined but most definately quilty, gift. I will email the winner and ask for a postal address ( which can be a post restante if you prefer not to reveal your address). I will also endeavour to send the maker a little something, again if they are prepared to give me an address.

The idea is to allow citizens to help each other find cool and desirable quilts on the web and to give publicty to other quilter's websites. So please, play along!