New ECS machine released

By Technology Reporter Ricky Anderson

Quiltland based sewing machine manufacturer Bernome-Pffother will fly in the face of the consumer slowdown when it launches its new quilting machine next week. Combining the precision technology for which the company is renown, this machine unveils its new ECS system.

Austrian Chairman of the company Herr Hans von Witternhergerbergerundsoforthundesoon explained:
"Quilters nowadays take for granted thread cutters and extra throat space. What they need is a machine which not only has the capacity to do what they want to do but also knows what they want to do. Our new Emotional Compatibility System works by gathering information from both tiny sensors on and around the sewing bed area and from audio receptors placed by the stitch controls. These enable interactivity with the user to both give and receive information."

Standard features include:

* Machines will recognise the relaxation in the sewers hands which comes from knowing that they only have one seam left to go and will automatically tell the sewer to reload the bobbin if thread is going to run out three inches before the end of that final seam.

* Machines will no longer squeak and clatter in protest but will actually emit a prerecorded message saying for example, " I am sorry to be a nuisance but I am feeling a little linty could you please clean me" or " I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."

* Machines will at the press of a request button be able to identify what kind of needle you have in and when you last remembered to change it.

* Block re-orintenation. The machine will read the minds of sewers when they make blocks and will automatically scan in the block ( using DNA recognition where there are repeat blocks) to identify what the intention of the maker was as she sewed and will give automatic warnings when the sewer subsequently tries to join blocks in the wrong orientation. For sewers who produce blocks and then move them around on the board pointing the machine at the design wall and using the verbal command, "Remember" will reprogramme the machine.

* Unless the feature is overridden the machine sews a perfect quarter inch even when you waggle the block as it goes over the feed dogs.

* Language support for French, German, Spanish, Japanese, UK English, American English.

Additional upgradable features include:

* Emotionally sensitive alarm clock feature. Set the time you need to finish quilting and the machine will, according to information gleaned from your pulse rate, sew output and verbal cues ( see below) give a range of appropriate messages ranging from "Five minutes to go" to "Nope. Sorry. You have no chance of doing a good job of that last NYB block in the time you have left. Clear up now and relax."

* Additional languages including 'Pottymouth' which enables the machine to react to such unfair accusations as "Oh ***. Why the **** won't you sew the **** ing thing now?" Verbal engagement of the Pottymouth feature triggers an automatic dispensation of Lindor chocolate pieces from a side capsule and will diagnose the problem and response with precise and practical solutions . For example, "" I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."

The Quiltland Minister for Health had a trial run of the machine last week and is rumoured to be considering requiring the National Health Service to provide the machines free of charge on the premise that the savings in treating stress related quilting injuries and illnesses will be greater than the cost of the machines.