Quiltland Chronicle

New ECS machine released

2009-02-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

By Technology Reporter Ricky Anderson

Quiltland based sewing machine manufacturer Bernome-Pffother will fly in the face of the consumer slowdown when it launches its new quilting machine next week. Combining the precision technology for which the company is renown, this machine unveils its new ECS system.

Austrian Chairman of the company Herr Hans von Witternhergerbergerundsoforthundesoon explained:
"Quilters nowadays take for granted thread cutters and extra throat space. What they need is a machine which not only has the capacity to do what they want to do but also knows what they want to do. Our new Emotional Compatibility System works by gathering information from both tiny sensors on and around the sewing bed area and from audio receptors placed by the stitch controls. These enable interactivity with the user to both give and receive information."

Standard features include:

* Machines will recognise the relaxation in the sewers hands which comes from knowing that they only have one seam left to go and will automatically tell the sewer to reload the bobbin if thread is going to run out three inches before the end of that final seam.

* Machines will no longer squeak and clatter in protest but will actually emit a prerecorded message saying for example, " I am sorry to be a nuisance but I am feeling a little linty could you please clean me" or " I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."

* Machines will at the press of a request button be able to identify what kind of needle you have in and when you last remembered to change it.

* Block re-orintenation. The machine will read the minds of sewers when they make blocks and will automatically scan in the block ( using DNA recognition where there are repeat blocks) to identify what the intention of the maker was as she sewed and will give automatic warnings when the sewer subsequently tries to join blocks in the wrong orientation. For sewers who produce blocks and then move them around on the board pointing the machine at the design wall and using the verbal command, "Remember" will reprogramme the machine.

* Unless the feature is overridden the machine sews a perfect quarter inch even when you waggle the block as it goes over the feed dogs.

* Language support for French, German, Spanish, Japanese, UK English, American English.

Additional upgradable features include:

* Emotionally sensitive alarm clock feature. Set the time you need to finish quilting and the machine will, according to information gleaned from your pulse rate, sew output and verbal cues ( see below) give a range of appropriate messages ranging from "Five minutes to go" to "Nope. Sorry. You have no chance of doing a good job of that last NYB block in the time you have left. Clear up now and relax."

* Additional languages including 'Pottymouth' which enables the machine to react to such unfair accusations as "Oh ***. Why the **** won't you sew the **** ing thing now?" Verbal engagement of the Pottymouth feature triggers an automatic dispensation of Lindor chocolate pieces from a side capsule and will diagnose the problem and response with precise and practical solutions . For example, "" I don't want to be a bother but could you please remove that bent pin you just pushed into my feed dogs."

The Quiltland Minister for Health had a trial run of the machine last week and is rumoured to be considering requiring the National Health Service to provide the machines free of charge on the premise that the savings in treating stress related quilting injuries and illnesses will be greater than the cost of the machines.

2008-12-01T11:32:00.000-08:00

A raging debate opened up across Quiltland today as news leaked that a woman, who, for legal reasons can be identified only as a 'senior member of the Royal family' was arrested on suspicion of fabric abuse. The incident occurred after the Quilt Police in her Home State found suspicious stains in her bathroom. When it was established that she had been bathing with her fabric, an arrest was made. The woman has now been released and has fled back to Quiltland where the authorities have suggested that as there is no Quilt Police this could not have happened there.

Nonetheless, all over the land tongues have been wagging. Is it an entirely natural thing to do do bathe with your young fabric or is it indicative of a perversion?

The quilter in question has remained in embarrassed seclusion but did, through an agent give the following statement:

"The incident in question has I believe been taken out of all proportion. At no time did I actually plan with any malice or intention to harm my fabric to expose it to inappropriate behaviour. The fabric in question was mostly genuine west African batiks which I decided to pre-wash as they are thicker than the quilting cottons with which they were to be combined and I was concerned about shrinkage as they are very starchy. However, I decided that to use all the hot water to wash fabric was, on a freezing cold day, a waste so I decided - even though I was clean- to run a bath, have a quick delicious dip in hot water ( possibly my favourite place to be) then to wash the fabric in the bath rather than to heat water in the machine and so waste energy and water both.

However, once in the bath I realised that it would make sense time wise to wash my hair but did not want to wash the fabric in shampoo. So I though I'd just reach out and dunk the fabric in the water, wash out the sizing and then wash my hair. All worked well on the first three pieces until the nice black meter piece. Which was not actually black but was in fact indigo.

Almost immediately I found myself sitting, quite literally, in an indigo bath....... I admit that the bath also turned blue. I also admit that it was not smart to remove the blue fabric from the blue bath in a panic and place it in the cream sink which also turned blue. In hindsight it would have been better to use a container to remove the dripping fabric to the washing machine in the kitchen. I can however confirm that in no way was any trauma caused to the fabric. If anything I am the victim of this unfortunate incident and for the Quilting Police to take such over enthusiastic action is a farce. I am glad to say I was realised without charge upon my promise to scrub the bathroom fittings clean."

Introduction of Official Royal Quilting Buddy

2008-08-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

On occasions The Queen requires a stand in for her duties, for example during her annual trips to Balmoral to shoot Quilt Police with The Honourable FFiona FForde- Fffaaffingham - Fingummy. In order to facilitate her enjoyment of such potential 2012 Olympic sports, the Queen has appointed Lesley Hagon as Official Royal Quilting Buddy. The Queen wishes to add to her occasional attempts at humour a greater design and challenged based content to this site and as such the ORQB has been given a mandate to make an exhibition not only of herself but also of her challenge progress as and when it happens. Both The Queen and the ORQB hope you will join in with the game.

ORQB is not known for being backwards and as such she has in fact posted her post already. The Queen hopes that she will be welcomed as an occasional correspondent. In case any reader wonders what qualifications are required to become a ORQB, The Queen can confirm that her appointment came after she escorted the Queen onto the Festival of Quilts bus and entirely unselfconsciously uttered the words, "Oh, by the way, I've brought a spare bag for me to carry your shopping."

Taking up the challenge

2008-08-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

As Offical Quilting Buddy the responsibility of , advising on purchases, overseaing the viewing of exhibiting quilts, assisting in the transporting of said purchases and supporting the justification of making said purchases is taken very seriously. Duties are carried out with great enthusiasm and with much goodwill and joviality.

The Queen , in her generosity allowed the Quilting Buddy to make the first choice with regard to the contents of the Festival Challenge and inspiration struck as the royal personage and the non royal personage gazed at a quilt of blue. Fabric of a similar rich hue had been spied at Maggie Relphs stall , a favourite haunt of both and this was deemed a suitable start to the quilt play. The full content of the challenge is on now on display.

One event at the Festival must not be allowed to pass without comment. Mr Ricky Timms, a noted quilter from the New World (and a man!) was granted an audience with Her Majesty. She and the Official Quilt Buddy attended a dinner that allowed the said Mr Timms to entertain Her Majesty with his amusing tales of family life and tunes played on the pianoforte. The next day she gave him her time and attention whilst he outlined his working methods and new ideas that he has brought together under the title of Raphsody Quilts and having ascertained that August was Her Majesty's birth month presented her with a small gift of free subscription to his website .The Official Quilting Buddy was at great pains to assure Her Majesty, through gritted teeth , that there was no envy generated by this simple but thoughtful act, although in future the Official Quilting Buddy will ensure that her birthday also falls in future in whichever month Mr Timms identifies for rewards.

It must be said that Mr Timms was indeed honoured with Her Majesty's undivided attention, as the previous day Her Majesty had been forced to rest her eyes during a meeting with another quilter who failed to keep her suitably entertained. Attendance at classes held by Mr Timms are to be encouraged.

The official Quilting Buddy is now tasked with seeking inspiration in design. The search begins.

Festival Challenge products

2008-08-18T09:56:00.001-07:00

Stage one of the Challenge is successfully completed - the shopping!
Despite splitting up at one point and secretly buying goodies for the other we both actually bought stuff that the other had seen and added to their own personal shopping list!
we have
1. One one half meter each of handdye from the Chicago school of fusing.
2. 5 FQs of African style fabric from The African Fabric Shop
3. One packet each of turquoise/ green thread and of brown threads from Oliver Twists
4. One half roll of lutrador
5. One pack of peacock green Angelina both from Ario
6. Two elephant buttons.

The Queen and her Quilting Buddy will post progress in due course.

Festival game

2008-08-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

The Queen invites you to play along with her new game. It is especially invented for anyone got to Festival of Quilts this week but can be played by anyone going to any quilt show anywhere or even at your local shop. All you need is a partner to play with.

The Official Royal Friend is Lesley and we will be playing by the following rules at Festival:

1. Establish a kitty to whatever value you can afford and a starting player.
2. The starting player chooses any product that catches her eyes as being irresistible. Fabric, paint, embellishments - anything. You buy one each from the kitty.
3. The second player chooses something equally irresistible to go with it. Kitty buys one for each of you.
4. Starting player chooses... and so on until the kitty runs out. That way you will probably get something you wouldn't have chosen to work with as a challenge but not something that is hard to use with your other materials.
5. Each of you go away and make a design of your own. Let the materials dictate what you do. We are going wall hanging sized with our kitty of £60. but you can agree terms of your own.
6. Set a reveal date where you surprise each other with how you interpreted the end results.
7. (And this is the important bit) enter your quilts in the next show you can. If you like explain the game in your description but the idea is that you had a whale of a time at a show that would not have existed if people didn't exhibit things, so its pay back time!

The Queen will reveal her ingredients post Festival and in due course (our reveal date is not set yet but is likely to be November) the end results. The Queen would love to see and post links to your results if you play along at any time in the future.

Stash busting tips

2008-08-11T09:58:00.001-07:00

The Queen is highly amused by LA Quilter's failing stash busting attempts recorded on her blog. This weeks tally:
Busted: 288.00 yards
Purchased: 554.75 yards
Net YTD: <266.75> yards busted

Clearly my citizens need Royal stash busting tips:

1. Re-calulate.
Switch to metric. 266.75 yards is only 243.91 meters. See- a much lower figure already.

2. Re-organise
Take every fabric in your stash that might go in a project you have on the go. Everything. So if you have eight pieces of potential backing and ten possible bindings gather them all up. Place them all together in a project box/sack/ car boot/ shed/ whatever it fits in. Bingo. Not stash anymore- a work in progress.

3. Re-deploy.
Put the fabric under the floorboards. Not stash anymore. Insulation.

4. Re-locate
Team up with another stash challenged buddy. Take a chunk of your stash to her house. Let her have it visit her for a while. We all like to pet and stroke fabric. She'll babysit for you. She'll even pet sit. You've got to bet she will stash sit. Of course you will have to reciprocate but you have to give her stuff back so it can never be amalgamated into your stash, now can it?

5. Re-define.
LA Quilter said,
"One thing occurred to me yesterday. I have always been so sentimental about my stash. I've cherished it like a beloved pet. Those FQ towers were way too pretty to actually use. The Robyn Pandolph closet made my heart go pitty-pat when I opened the door."
The Queen decrees that such fabric shall not be defined as stash. It was created by a designer who spent a lot of time paint and effort to get that end result. It is Art. Frame it. Display it on a plinth.

6. Remember
To pre-wash your fabrics. We know we should but do we? No? And why should we? Because if you take that fabric off the shelf and place in the wicker basket - bingo! Not stash anymore. Laundry.

7. Record
Fabric changes every year. Imagine what a social record of textile design is in your cupboard. Take a square of each and keep it in an album. Say you have 175 fabrics. 3 inches square of each is a reduction of - well, I have no idea, but I am sure it is some kind of reduction.

8. Re-position politically
Sign up to the Communist party. Now your stash doesn't belong to you. It belongs to all your comrades equally. Of course it is your duty to the People to store it.

If none of the above work stash can always be sent to the Queen who will give it a good home.

Challenge particpants

2008-07-09T14:28:00.001-07:00

The Queen today expressed her delight in the challenge quits so far produced by her partcipating citizens.
Gina and Cat

She reminds readers that there is no timelimit (other than the ones you set yourselves) so if you wish to play, come on over!

The Royal standard quilt

2008-07-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

From the Queen herself:

One is delighted to find that one's subjects are playing along. One started this quilt with half an hours work last night, reconvened this morning at just after ten, finished it at lunchtime today and then fell asleep on the royal couch for three hours. One has surprised oneself with what one can achieve with the selection given.

The Royal Consort said, "I didn't try to be difficult. I deliberately didn't pick your African fabrics." (Two came from the African shop at Brixton market and one from the Out of Africa stall at a show). "I picked orange because my orange lily came out today..." (More like because he is N. Ireland protestant and grew up surrounded by orange) " ...and thought that green went with it, then I liked the bright colours so I went for red and blue because the go together. Then the black was added because I thought that was something you could use to block off the colours side by side." One then added the plain black, wanting to create a resting place for the eyes

One had no idea what one was going to do with them until one typed up the last post and suddenly saw a crown shape in the blue fabric. One has never thought oneself capable of a self portrait but in 25 minutes it was done and that was that phobia over and done with. Yeah!

It was designed as one went along making strips/ parts and auditioning briefly.

I left the bit in where the machine went doolally with the preset decorative stitch - its all about fun not perfection! One made the following mental notes about the process:

1. For all the advice about using paint in journals as an initial design tool there is much to be said for making little quilts instead as sparking off experiments - for example, one likes the embroidered braids on the right and the crazy log cabins and might play with something else more thought out based on what was an instinctive 'grab fabric and cut' decision in this quilt.

2. All half made quilts on a design board will look horrible at half-ten at night.

3. All flimisies look better quilted.

4. Small pieces of fabric look very different in context to large pieces on the table ( One still has about 6 meters of the blue left!)

5. When your machine is making a strange noise do not think, "I'll just finish this line of sewing and then see what that is all about."

6. One needs to do a sample book of one's decorative stitches, playing with the ability to lengthen/ widen etc.

7. It is a pain in the royal backside writing 'one' all the time.

Royal gauntlet is thrown down

2008-07-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

As the land came to terms with yesterdays' quilting time proclamation the Queen today declared that the fun would start with a Royal Challenge.
"It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."As the land came to terms with yesterdays' quilting time proclamation the Queen today declared that the fun would start with a Royal Challenge.
"It is," she said, "designed to free my people from the fear of imperfection, from the burden of formal design. It is intended as a carefree interlude between UFOs and WIPS, a game to help us all limber up and let loose."
In an action unprecedented since Sarah Ferguson and and other Junior Royals played Its a Knock out, the Queen declared her intention to play the game right here on the blog. "There are no prizes, she said, " but all blog links or photos emailed to this paper by participants will be showcased in the Chronicle as evidence of the mass fun about to erupt."

The challenge rules are Royally declared to be as follows:

"1. Send you partner/ child/ friend/ neighbour/ anyone you can find ( and if you can't find anyone close your eyes and do the following yourself) to your stash ( or at least the part of your stash your partner knows about).

2. Instruct them to pick out 5 pieces of fabric - any five - which they like. They are not to make it deliberately difficult for you but at the same time we all know a partner will not pick stuff that you will readily put together.
3. You may, if you wish, disregard one completely. You can add whatever you like to the pile.
4. Then, without planning or pattern, you make something including the four/ five your helper chose.

5. The quilt can be any size at all but the Queen anticipates that most of you will not be dedicating large chunks of your life to this to this tomfoolery and will make a small mini quilt but feel free to go kingsize if you get taken with what you start.

6. Email links and/or pictures of the fabric and the end result.

Let's see what spontaneity and dodgy fabric choices rescued by extra pieces can do! Let's prove to ourselves that we are all possessed of creativity and the ability to create beauty from rather dubious starts. Let's release our instincts. After all - is that not what quilting was all about before Quilt Police (Show Division) started their persnickety examinations of invisible stitches?"

The Royal Consort ( who wanted to be called the Royal Holiness but was told he was not allowed) picked out the fabrics above for the Queen today who plans her freedom quiting session to begin tomorrow and continue over the weekend. Progress will be posted. An anxious courtier (who we understand had previously knocked her bobbin case all over the floor) confided in our reporter, " I really hope someone will play along because she gets really cranky when she makes a fool of herself all alone on the blog and when she gets cranky she starts thinking about sending people to the Tower."

Quilting time Proclamation

2008-07-01T14:09:00.001-07:00

Editors note: The Queen has been away from Quiltland for far longer than she intended, mostly due to feeling exhausted and not at all funny. She apologises to any citizens who have cared. However, she is now rejuvenated and returns, in a funk, making proclamations left right and centre and with intentions to post all kinds of interactive goodies on the blog in the coming months....

Today the Queen stormed back into Quiltland after a prolonged tour to the UK, spitting (white swan) feathers, and called for a scribe. A Proclamation soon followed, a harried courtier handing out copies to the press still hot from the photocopier. A pressurised Equerry paused to hiss out of the corner of his mouth, "Its the AQS magazine. Its got her all in a huff. Something about a winning quilt taking 2000 hours to make." Later, a loose tongued lady - in -waiting was persuaded ( by a bribe of a box of Maderia rayon threads) to add, "She was crying in her studio and throwing blocks about. She said she felt inadequate and pressured. Something about not ever being good enough and she wasn't having it."

Our reporter has revealed that the magazine in question showcased show winners and included a miniature quilt of only 11" square with no less than 4,129. It is assumed that this explains the comment of a sweating footman who said, "She was storming down the corridor, muttering about someone having bothered to count the damned things and how was she to be expected to do that and run a country?"

The Proclamation is swingeing and ambassadors to Quiltland have been seen making frantic phonecalls to their homeland news anchors assuring them that in a private meeting the Queen (who according to the diplomat from Paduchah looked 'controlled but determined') had made it plain that she was setting a domestic precedent only and that she retained admiration and respect for all quilters who, in the privacy of their domestic states, spent the equivalent of one year and eleven weeks of a full time 9-5 job making one wall hanging.

The Proclamation was read at 10pm tonight from the balcony of the Queen's studio. The text read:
"I hereby declare that no machine sewn quilt made in Quiltland shall take longer than 50 hours to construct and no hand sewn quilt more than 100. Thinking, shopping and stash stroking time is excluded from this. Extensions will be readily granted ( without limit) to anyone who suffers a disability or impairment which slows their progress. Others need to get a move on. Value in Quiltland is to be measured in quotients of enjoyment, fun, spontaneity and sheer ability to get on and make the next one. It is not to be measured in quotients of obsession, perfection or fixated concentration.
"I have recently undertaken a royal tour of my citizen's blogs and have noticed that my loyal citizens are generally engaged in multiple projects of practical nature. I will not tolerate any of these wonderful people - and here I include myself in this - feeling that their work is less valuable or worthy because they did not audition twenty different colour themes over six months before even starting their quilt or because they could not contemplate using 1/4" hexagons.
"There are plenty of fora which will award accolades to quilts of such nature. Quiltland is not one of them. Here accolades will be given to quilts which exude vibrancy, play and exuberance. We will applaud simplicity, inept experimentation and quilts made from love. We shall prefer not those quilts which make us sigh and wish we could make them, but those which make us smile and rush to your own sewing projects with renewed enthusiasm. Quiltland will be a haven in which quilting is a pleasure and not a competative sport. To this end I commend this quilt , seen on my recent Royal Blog tour to you as one such which caused far more Royal inspiration than the AQS winners.
"To embed this Proclamation into the heart and souls of the Citizens of Quiltland I shall shortly be announcing a new Challenge. Those interested should add this blog to their Google Readers for it shall be posted as soon as I have time.
"And to that end - and because I can, this being my country, I make this Proclamation Law."

Jealousy Quilt show

2008-03-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

The Queen is in a snit. Only three people came to play with her. They were very nice people but she wanted a whole garden party and she didn't get one. So now she is not amused. Still, there are three quilts to vote for if you want to!

Willow by Jane Sassaman

Tickled Pink by Susan Carlson

Dance by Ferret

You have until some unspecified time after Easter to vote! Meanshile would all nominators please email a postal address?

Quiltland Red Light District

2008-02-27T13:47:00.001-08:00

Consternation and great debate is rife in Quiltland today as the Queen decreed her intention to permit a red light district in the Quiltery. Despite the fact that it will be discreetly placed at the bottom of the extensive grounds, so that there is no danger of any one whose personal morals are not compatible with the concept having to have personal contact with the area, Quilting Puritans have voiced concerns.

Maude Mayflower said, "Any besmirching of the purity of Baltimore Quilts will be vigorously opposed by the Quiltland Daughters of the Revolution Branch."

The Queen however was at pains to explain her reasoning. "Citizens will appreciate that Quiltland is a country which welcomes all but distinguishes itself from surrounding nation states. People should not assume that my red light zone will have any of the terrible disadvantages of that in, say, Amsterdam or Frankfurt."

In an open and frank speech, unikely to be mimicked by any other world leader she revealed what many might feel to be moral weaknesses. She explained that her decision followed her acquisition of this book:
She said, "I openly confess that I own this book and that this book can only be described as quilting pornography. The quilts in it are what my mother would call 'brazen hussies'. They are brash and put themselves on show. There is no hiding that the making of them involved naked joy. I will not use what I may call the 'Playboy' excuse, beloved of men, that I was 'buying it for the articles'. There are indeed words in the book but they are a mere supporting act to the tantalsing full frontal full colour pictures.

"The fact that publishers of such material remain in business indicate that I am not alone in the pleasure I take in such pictures. I believe it to be deeply sad that there are citizens who, in their nation states, will be forced to cover this book in brown paper and gaze at it in secret, hiding it in laundry rooms or the boot of the car, unable to confess to their spouses that they are spending money on such visual titilation. In Quiltland this behaviour shall be normalised for those who wish to indulge.

"It is of course necessary for safeguards to be put in place. A psychologist will be on call at the Quiltery to offer free therapy to anyone who feels that they are spending more time in the red light zone than the actual quilting zone. In order that there will be no fiscal consequences of visits the quilting pornography will be free at the point of use based on an honesty system which will request users to add their own secret stash to the library for communal use. "

As if this was not enough of a shock the Queen went one step further and introduced what a quilt curator condemned as "Quilting prositution'. There will be a walk in closet in which a range of quilts will display themselves. They will be available by the hour for a modest fee. The Queen explained,

"There will be no illegal immigration of quilts made in sweatshops tolerated. There will be no undervaluing of quilts. No maker will be forced to put their quilts on display for hire. Any citizen who feels that they do not want to provide their quilts for such purposes but are considering it for financial reasons will be eligible to support from the Quiltland Benevolent Fund. No pimps will be able to take a cut of profits. It is, however, time we recognised that it is a natural, common human need, an undeniable urge that all Quilters have to stroke, touch, pet and snuggle with a quilt. I do not believe that such activities need be confined to quilts which are introduced exclusively to the Quilters household for life. "

Maude Mayflower looked distinctly sick when asked for her reaction to this latter suggestion but managed to stutter out. ".. infection risk... prophilatic white gloves..." before dropping to a dead faint. However, another quilter, approached at the airport , who wished to reamain anoynmous said, "Don't tell my husband, because generally I give my quilts away to good causes, but yeah, I'd love to come back and have a huge selfish orgy, just me an a big pile of beautiful quilts all around me, all over me.Oh boy, yeah!"

New! Agony aunt column.

2008-02-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

NEW FEATURE : YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED BY AUNTY EYLET

Dear Aunty Eylet

I was a tourist recently in Quiltland. I saw a local making a beautiful quilt and I asked 'Oh what is that for?" because I was so taken with it and wondered how she was going to use it. However, she looked quite discomforted by the question and did not answer. Was I inadvertently rude? Is it culturally inappropriate to ask a Quiltland native about her work?
Worried of Kansas

Dear Worried of Kansas,

Most Quiltland citizens love to show off their work and revel in any attention and praise you may give it. However, there are certain cultural nuances as to how you should show that interest which you probably transgressed.

The easiest way to avoid offence is to phrase questions as if the quilt were a child. The quilter goes through a similar range of emotions to pregnancy during the making of a quilt - the joy of conception of the idea, shopping trips, a stage of intense nausea with the thing, a final push at the end, for example.

So, just as you would never admire a baby sleeping in a pram and ask 'Oh what it is for?', you can usually assume a quilt has been created out of love and longing. Many quilters have a biological clock which practicially forces them to make quilts because they fear that they will die with ideas still in their heads. Most quilts are indeed, planned and welcomed by both quilter and partner and the quilt is for a sense of completion in their lives or the joy of its company in years to come. However, circumstances may be more difficult and hard to talk about to a tourist.

If you saw a long-armer she may be like a surrogate mother, having to head over her beautiful creation never to see it again and your question may have triggered a sense of loss as well as in fact asking for information she did not posess. Or the quilt may in fact be the unplanned product of a love affair with fabric which has involved lying to the quilter's partner and the hiding of receipts. It is even possible - especially if you saw communal quilting activity - that the quilt birth will even be concealed from all but the birthing group and will be adopted out as a gift quilt before the partner even knows about it.

So, it may be better to limit yourself to statements of praise such as" Oh isn't it beautiful" or " You must be so proud." You may even try the local phrase which is very similar to the goo-goo-goo sound commonly made over babies but which sounds more like "oooh-oooh-oooh, a quilt!"

Of course, this anaology like any other can be stretched until it breaks its limits. There are some questions which are perfectly acceptable in Quiltland which probably are best not applied to babies such as 'Is it for sale?", "Have you put a picture on the internet?" or, "Is that one of Ricky Tims'?".

The Quiltery

2008-02-07T23:58:00.000-08:00

The Queen has been pondering her new residence. Of the view that sleeping on the streets of Quiltland under a dog eared four-patch was not fitting to her status, she nonetheless was anxious about building a Palace for fear that her subjects would compare her to a greedy expolitative ex-European dictator.

However a faithful aide pointed out that as she was not intending to don 20 foot ermine trains, possess a tiara, or even wear sparkly pink dresses accessorised with a glitter wand, she deserved something as a reward for existing soley to amuse her citizens.

Thus she has decided to build The Quiltery ( with thanks to Citizen Lisa for the name). The Queen will have private quarters on the top floor but has decreed that the lower floors shall be open to the public. Consultation is now taking place as to what the building shall contain/ resemble. The Queen's current thoughts are as follows:

1. The building shall be designed by Daniel Libeskind with whom the Queen is developing a slight obsession. He designs in a highly inventive way in which the structure of the building has meaning and the Queen highly recommends his autobiography. She particularly liked his tale of designing the Imperial War Museum Manchester by dropping a teapot from a window, running down and picking up the three largest shards and arranging them into the building where they now represented the shattering of the earth by war. Or something. The Queen has arranged her summer holiday to alow visitation of two of his buildings and would dearly love one all of her own.

2. There will be a series of functional rooms which can be booked by citizens to form a rolling quilting club, namely

(a) a pre-wash laundry service. Drop, go, collect dye free.

(b) sewing rooms. One room will have extra wide tables for machine sewing, one will have soft armchairs for hand quilters. One will have old films playing. The George Clooney Studio will specialise. Citizens will be able to rent lockers so that they can leave work here and come anytime they want and quilt with friends. The time zone mechanism previously reported will be localised so that a quilters individual preference for a desk can be met

(c) the stash cellar. Throughout the whole of the basement area shelves will run with stash available for all citizens renting work space. Magic will mean that this stash always has just enough of every piece of fabric and every possible embelishment ever printed/ created. However, daily rumages in the stash will be limitedto 75% of whatever the quilter needs to complete her work so that a visit to a Local quilt store ( see below) is still required.

(d) coffee posts. Nooks and crannies will have self service refreshment posts close to each work area. these will be themed to allow for allergies, dietery needs and just plain fussiness. The Quuens favourite is to be the cheesecake bar at which a fridge will contain slices of baked New York cheescake and the optics will be filled with sauces. Dishes of toppings from fruit to chunks of Toblerone will line the bar. (The Queen, like everyone else does however wish to know why Toblerone is only ever seen for sale at airports. And why at airports it is sold in bars big enough to use as an onboard weapon).

The Quiltery will be located in an environment to suit everyone, having different scenery on each side of the building so lovers of moutains, sea, country and city can all be satisfied. There will be a local comunity a short walk from the door with a local quilt shop. This shop is not yet open for trading pending the building of the Quiltery and thus the Queen welcomes comments on (a) what else you would like in The Quiltery and (b) what are the best ideas and features you have seen in Quiltshops in your nation states that we should combine in our Quiltland LQS?

Finally, please enter the Quilt Show!!

First Quiltand Quilt show

2008-02-03T11:24:00.001-08:00

The Queen is pleased to announce her royal endorsement for the

Quiltand Jealousy Quilt Show.

Her Highness sincerely invites all her citizens ( and indeed any foreigners who wish to join in) to participate, otherwise Her Majesty is going to feel a right royal prat cutting the ribbon on opening day in an empty show.

Here are the rules:
1. Each competitor may nominate up to two quilts. These quilts should be ones that they wish with all their heart that they could have made.

2. The nomination may, but need not be, for outstanding technical brilliance. The nomination may be for whimsiness, design, sheer cuddleablity or anything else the nominator wishes. They need not be by professional quiltmakers.

3. To enter the nominator shall e-mail The Queen at quiltlandchronicle@talktalk.net That e-mail shall

(a) have in the title the words Jealousy Show

(b) give the name of the quilt and the name of the maker

(c) give the name of the nominator and the name of their blog

(d) contain a working link to a picture of the nominated quilt in a website somewhere.

(e) have a brief sumary of why the quilt was chosen and how you found it.

It is to be taken as granted that each nomiator will in reality wish they had made many more quilts that they can nominate and may have chosen their nominations almost at random from their personal list.

4. If the nominator wishes she can contact the maker of the quilt, tell her of the nomination and ask permission for a copy of the picture to be added to this site. This is not essential. If no such permssion is granted the link only will be displayed in the show. Any permission granted should be forwarded to the above e-mail. The permission can come in separately from the nomination - there is no need to delay entry until it is obtained.

5. Nominations will be accepted until 22nd February 2008 .

6. Sometime thereafter -as soon as The Queen can manage which may well depend on whether she is inundated ( as she hopes!) with emails! - all the nominations will be displayed on this site either by way of link only or picture and link.

7. Viewers may then vote on their favourites.(Instructions will be given on the show itself).

8. At close of voting ( on 13th March - because the Queen goes away just after that!) there will be two winners:
(a) The Queen's choice - the one which in her royal arbitrariness she would most like hanging on her palace walls.

(b) Visitor's choice - the one you pick. In the event of a tie in this category there will be a quilt off with a further vote until a winner emerges or until the Queen loses interest and decides she can afford to award a gift to all remaining tied quilts!

If the visitors choice co-incides with the Queen's the second vistors choice will be the winner in that category.

For both categories the nominator will recieve a small, light ( less light if you are in the UK!), presently undefined but most definately quilty, gift. I will email the winner and ask for a postal address ( which can be a post restante if you prefer not to reveal your address). I will also endeavour to send the maker a little something, again if they are prepared to give me an address.

The idea is to allow citizens to help each other find cool and desirable quilts on the web and to give publicty to other quilter's websites. So please, play along!

Quiltland time

2008-01-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

From Science Correspondent Niels Van der Geek

The Queen has recently been contemplating time Zones. Having been corresponding with her citizen Tundra Threads and having had to figure out what time it was in the artic circle of Canada, questions were raised.

The first was : Who invented time zones? According to Wikipedia the answer is that the first time zone was created by British railways on December 1st 1847, which anyone who has tried to travel cross-country on a Sunday will agree is where they are still stuck.

The second is - if the world is divided into 24 'lunes' - those wedge shaped lines on the map which get a bit wonky arond certain political borders - then, given that they converge at the poles, what time is it where the penguins live?

US Today gives the answer to that:

"As a practical matter, having all of the time zones means there is really no time zone for the polar regions. In Antarctica, the U.S. stations uses New Zealand time because most Americans who go to Antarctica for the U.S. Antarctic Program fly to and from there via Christchurch.
Once you arrive in New Zealand for the U.S. Antarctic Program, you could fly to Antarctica, everywhere that a U.S. airplane could take you on the continent, and back to Christchurch without ever having to change the time on your watch.
Since the only station at the South Pole is the U.S. station, the time used there is New Zealand time.
Other nations tend to use their home time zones in Antarctica, which makes radio and e-mail contacts simpler.
The permanent research stations in the Arctic are in countries, such as the Barrow Science Center in Barrow, Alaska, and these use the local time. When researchers venture out onto the Arctic Ocean ice, they can use any time the wish. But, in most cases it's probably easier to use the time for the institution, such as a university, that you are working for. "

Which of course then begs the question, what time is it in Quiltland?

Since nothing annoys the Queen more than lack of puncuality ( except illogicality or people who illegally ride disabilty scooters at 3mph in the middle of a main road) allowing citizens to simply apply the time in the state of their dual nationality will not work. Plus, the Queen being the Queen decided to push this concept of time to the next level whilst at the same time keeping things simple.

Accordingly she has taken a rotary cutter and cut a freehand curve in the time-space continuum at the borders of Quiltland. That means that upon entering Quiltland a quilter will enter at the precise time she last left meaning that nothing will have been missed. A system of woven time lunes ( appropriate genuine scientific term, no?) means that quilting experiences will run on extended loops allowing citizens to jump in and out of events which will be attended at the same virtual time by quilters who jump in from different terrestial time zones. So, Quilter A can come in at 1pm EST which is actually 6pm GMT but Quilter B can come in at 7pm GMT ( which in the summer is actually 6pm BST) and find Quilter A still there even though Quilter A left at 1.30 EST.

A further function of this time system is the elasticity of Quiltland time. This in effect means that whilst Quilter A only loses 30 minutes in terrestial time she can enjoy as long as she wants in Quiltland, enabling a king size quilt to be made in the time it takes on home time to boil the kettle.

In testing the only disadvantage of this system was found to be quilters who felt that they could not financially afford to maintain a stash that could be busted so fast on home time. Accordingly the Queen has issued a decree proclaiming that a Bank of Quiltland credit card shall be available to all citizens which shall be acceptable in quilt stores in home nation states. All purchases shall be processed in Quiltland, the overlapping time zones meaning that home nation state shop owners shall be paid on their home time enabling them to meet their taxes and wholesaler bills on time. However, debits to cover the credit bill taken from citizen's home state bank accounts shall be applied in quiltland time meaning that the cash shall not be processed through their accounts until their death.

UFOs banned

2008-01-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

With the establishment of a new state comes the need to establish an official communal language. Whilst most citizens will be comfortable with English, the Queen has decreed that it would be an opportunity missed if a new langauge were not to be created, following the example of Israel and Modern Hebrew.

Therefore, all official documents will be produced in both English and the new language -Quiltish. Quiltish is to English what American is to English. An entirely new language with a common foundation. The Queen said, "No doubt as my land expands and as my citizens participate in the production of these chronicles (which I very much encourage them to do) new phrases and meanings will organically form. However, sometimes a language is as much formed by the absence of usage as it is by the invention of new words. For example, one would not expect Quiltish to include the usage of now outmoded words for Black Americans or South Africans once common in other forms of English"

The Queen in subsequent press interviews refused to be drawn as to whether this policy was influenced by the story that Gerorge Bush once said, "The trouble with French is that there is no word for entrepeneur". She did hint that this policy was however heavily influenced by a recent post and subsequent email correspeondence with Jennifer ( Ed :who is currently not a citizen - why not Jennifer?!)

However, the Palace has now issued the Quiltish ( Useage Regulations No 1) 2008 which provides that the term 'UFO' as commonly applied to quilting has unnecessarily negative connotations and will be banned. Instead a range of terms will be embedded in Quiltish in order to give a positive attitude and a whole range of subtle meanings. The Queen's contributions are:

(1) process samples

This term is to be used when a quilt top was started to enable the quilter to learn or enjoy a partciular technique or colour theme but the intended lesson was learned before completion and so the quilt has served it purpose and needs not be completed but will be retained for memory purposes

(2) fallow quilts

These will be finished eventually when the muse returns. They are not to be condemned as unfinshed - they are just not-yet-finished.

(3) economy drivers

These are quilts that the original maker will not complete but at some point - for whatever reason- will pay someone else to complete thus boosting the exchange of currency in Quiltland.

(4) GAP quilts

(Gifts awaiting purpose)

These quilts have been taken to a sufficient level that when a gift is required quickly they can be completed with an appropriate amount of personalisation.

(5) Historical record quilts

The Queen is saddened by the reference to some partial quilt tops as 'ugly' or 'malformed'. She is determined that every piece of patchwork should be vauled for its own characteristics even if it does have seam difficulties or a value disorder. Quilts with disabilties such as these can contribute to society - for example they can be archived as good example of fabrics available at a particular time in history, or exhibited by artists as examples of their learning process.

We at the Chronicles look forward to recieving via the editors email or by comments other definitions of UFO or indeed other terms you would like to see given the Quiltish treatment

Tourist accommodation ratings

2008-01-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

The Queen today set out the official categories and minimum standards to apply to tourist accommodation available in Quiltland.

Home stays

One star rating

Will provide accommodation in the home of a fellow quilter to include a proper bed with quilt not duvet, shared bathroom facilities and homecooked breakfast.

Two star rating

As above with private bath. Prices up to 20% extra.

Three star rating

Put me up bed or sofa located in quilting studio and/or stash room. A minimum of 10 square feet of stacks of fabric, patterns, books or orphan blocks must be available for the guest to furtively peruse in the middle of the night. Prices up to 75% extra.

Kibutzim

Communal living with other quilters. Ideal for costs saving as there will be no monetary charge but vistors must pool their stash and will be expected to perform tasks such as rotary cutting or basting for one hour per stay. Children and non-quilting spouses welcome, but will be cared for communally by Swedish nannies in the nursery.

Hotel

The Queen hates mediocre hotels and so the rating will start at :

Four star

Ensuite full bath with shower over bath, king size bed, ironing board and hairdryer. WIFI access. Breakfast included. No hotel in any category will have

(a) grey grout in the bathroom

(b) stupid little cartons of milk on the hospitality tray that contain a dribble then spill anyway

(c) stipple artex ceilings or walls

(d) shower gel nailed to the wall

(e) one hard pillow per guest

(f) one power socket located miles from the bed or mirror

(g) 15 watt lights

(h) a mini-bar price list that makes guests prefer to drink warm tap water from cellophane wrapped plastic glasses

(i) thinking about it - cellophane wrapped plastic glasses

(j) hairdryer that emits a gnats breath of air

The Queen however does like the price of mediocre hotels and therefore all hotels rooms will attract a state subsidy in the event that the guest is

(a) attending a quilt show, symposium or seminar

(b) shop hopping

(c) single quilt shop visiting

(d) on non-quilt related business but bringing along quilting or quilt books/magazines for the evening

(e) with a family on non-quilt relating activities but secretly planning on doing (c) above anyway or in the alternative to wander around looking at architecture for patterns

Five star

As above with these additional features:

1. Work desk or dresser will be wide enought to take a 24 inch cutting board and will have a range of sockets nearby. (Nearby does not mean placed in a row behind the desk, just above the skirting board, so that the guest has to shift the minibar and crawl on hands and knees through dust bunnies to get to them.)

2. A sofa. With a daylight lamp nearby for hand sewing.

3. Tiles in the bathroom will be of sufficient complexity to allow the bath water to go fully cold in the time it takes the bather to work out how the block repeat works.

4. The ironing board will not be a faffy little thing attached to the trouser press which in turn is attached to the wall. It will be a full board with facility to plug it in near the cutting board.

5. Height adjustable seat for quilters travelling with machines.

6. Design wall or as a minimum complementary bowl of pins for pinning blocks to the curtains.

7. DVD player with Ricky Tims instructional films to rent.

8. Notepads by the telephone big enough to be used to doodle a whole quilt pattern out on in the middle of the night.

9. Those promotional mechanical pencils with the hotel name on - the Queen rates those as among her very favourite marking tools

10. Mini bar stocking spray starch and 505 spray.

11. Food on the room service menu that can be eaten with one hand whilst still guiding fabric through a machine with the other.

12. For single female travellers, rooms near the lift with spy holes, makeup remover in the bathroom and a telephone with a message service which tells the caller, "I am sorry the person you are calling is not available. However, room sensors indicate that she is alive and well. Yes she does miss you, no, she does not know where you left your glasses and the takeout menu is in the third drawer of the dresser. If you wish to dare leave a message please do so after the beep."

13. Fitness area, sauna, pool, synthropol plunge and steam iron room.

14. Onward parcel service ( at quilt show venues only). Hotels will wrap purchases and send them to a home address in bags marked (at the guests choice) variously 'Nappy (Diaper) laundry service', 'Gold Grade Rose Manure', or ' Fragile - this way up, contains Mother- in -Law."

All inclusive

As five star with the addition of:

1. All meals, snacks, locally produced spirits and fabrics.

2. Drawers in each room producing a full range of notions.

3. Pillow menu

4. Sewing machine menu.

5. Complementary cosmetics, pantyhose, underwear and clothes for travellers needing airline baggage allowance for their project bag.

CSI Quiltland

2007-12-15T04:34:00.000-08:00

One of the first national instituions to be opened by the Queen was the Central Science Institue (CSI). A gleaming cube of a building surrounded by a plaza in which the tiles and paving stones alternate between monkey wrench and Jacob's ladder, this institute has instantly aimed for the skies.

Alex Lehman is an earnest scientist, her dedication to her new Nation emphasised by her lab coat - a thigh length concotion of textured white fabrics, crazy patched and embellished with winter white embroidery silks. When I complement her on it she blushes and confides that it was originally intended as an entry in the 1997 'fairytale gown' wearable art competotion in her home town but that she only finished it to this shortened length when she was notified that she had been successful in her new job application.

Her role now is as head of the Molecular Intelligence Unit. She shows me a room filled with scraps of fabric in petri dishes but corrects me when I refer to her 'lab'.. She prefers to call it a studio. "There is a seamless line for me between science and art she says. I create knowledge through research as much as I create quilts from fabric and what I am trying to do here is piece the two together."

The Royally funded programme is focused on developing practical applications from the theory of molecular intelligence. Alex shows me a microscope and urges me to peer though it. I see a myriad of hexagonal shapes.
"Let me explain in laymans terms. "Alex says. "We know that all materials contain molecules which vibrate. We also know that they stick together in different combinations. Think of it in terms of quilt blocks. Water - H20 - has a different block pattern to Carbon, or aluminium. And those elements always know what they are. They never have identiy crises. You never wake up in the morning and find that the nine-patch you went to bed under has forgotten what it is and has become a four-patch over night, do you?
"So we are working on the basis that there is a kind of intelligence in molecules that enables them to hold and identity, to perform a function if you like, but holding to others in a certain way. What we are trying to do here is identify that intelligence and then train it so that the molecules can be given a kind of 'super intelligence'."

Naomi sees my frown of confusion. "Eventually it might have lots of medical applications for treatment of disease - but for now we are starting with a project that is about disease prevention. Stress causes illness so if we can reduce stress in citizens of Quiltland we can reduce the costs of disease. So, for example , if we can take the molecules in a part of one fabric block and give them the super intelligence to recognise the molecules in another block and can get them to understand that they need to shake hands with molecules in another block, we could end up with fabric that is capable of forming self meeting points."

I grin and she giggles with pleasure at seeing my excitement, then a shadow passess across her face. "Of course, even in Quiltland we have to deal with protestors. Some, well they are just political talkers." She pulls a face "You know the type, they will only validate quilts made by hand with cardboard templates. Its not what we are doing here they object to, its just modernisation they hate. But the others...."

She points to bars arcoss the saftey glass in the windows. "Those are to prevent the break ins. We need embryo blocks to work on - blocks created just for experiments will never go into a quilt and some people object to that. They see it as a waste of fabric and to be honest I have seen them froth at the mouth in their attempts to get their hands on it. They are prepared to break in and even scour bins marked hazardous waste if they think they will get scraps for free."

I asked Alex how she thought quilt show judges would deal with the possibilty that a perfect quilt might have been achieved not by the talent of quilters but with the artificial aid of science. She shrugged. "I am not naive. It will take us several years of work to get to the stage where the product is commercialy available. By then judges will have had to ask the very same question in relation to machine quilting done with the Berninia Stitch regulator - is is cheating or is it opening up new skills? Do quilts using it need a new category or can they be lumped in with quilts machined on any old machine? Should we we rewarding technical competance more highly than imagination in any event?"

Good questions indeed.

National Anthem

2007-12-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

Since 11.27 % of vistors to this site are from Australia it seemed fair- given that American readers got their recognition with the declaration - that the National anthem be a passing nod to these readers. In fact the Queen acknowedges that There are in fact more vistors from the UK but 'God Save the Queen' seemed a little egotistical even for her.

The National Anthem of Quiltland is therefore declared to be Quilting Mathilda.

Original words, music and pictures of the Quilts Police enjoying some off duty leisure time can be found here Readers may benefit from knowing that a Mathilda was originally a heavy overcoat which a hobo might carry around the roads and which would become his companion. In Quiltland the modern equivalent might be the item of wearable art which a penniless quilter is forced to wear at all times. An LQS is a Local Quilts Shop/ Store The new words are as follows:

Once a jolly quilter sat beside a LQS,
Waiting to enter and shop for delights,
And she sang as she sat and waited by the LQS
You'll come a quilting matilda with me

Quilting matilda, quilting matilda
You'll come a quilting matilda with me
And she sang as she sat and waited for the LQS
You'll come a quilting matilda with me.

Down came a salesman with samples for the LQS
Up jumped the quilter and seized him with glee
And she sang as she pushed him deep into her quilted tote
You'll come a quilting matilda with me

Quilting matilda, quilting matilda
You'll come a quilting matilda with me
And she sang as he sat and waited by the LQS
You'll come a quilting matilda with me.

Down came the Quilt Police, looking down their long noses,
Down came the Quilt Police, one, two, three.
"Where's the fabric salesman you've got in your quilted tote?"
You'll come a quilting matilda with me

Quilting matilda, quilting matilda
You'll come a quilting matilda with me
And he sang as he sat and waited by the LQS
You'll come a quilting matilda with me.

Up jumped the quilter and plunged into the LQS,
"You'll never stop me stashing," cried she
And her ghost may be heard still shopping in that LQS,
You'll come a quilting matilda with me

Declaration of Independance

2007-12-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

In deference to the fact that her Stats counter revals 30.99% of readers to be from the USA, the Queen has modeled the first draft of the Quiltland Declaration of Independance on that of the USA......

The unanimous Declaration of the people of Quiltland
When in the Course of human events, it becomes appropriate for one people to celebrate the quilts and blogs which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the artistic and equal station to which the Laws of Galleries entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of womenkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to citizenship of Quiltland.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all quilters are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are a Life imbued with daily creativity, Liberty to spend and to stash and the pursuit of Happiness in the studio. That to secure these rights, Guilds are instituted among quilters, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the members,
That whenever any friend, family member or other acquaintance becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Quilters to ignore them, and to institute new ground rules, laying their foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to perpetuate their Stash and Productivity
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that a quilting tradition long established should not be changed for post-modern and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that quilters are more disposed to suffer bleeding and blistered fingers, than to right themselves by abolishing the art to which they are addicted. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the adulation of the fine arts to the exclusion of quilting, evinces a design to reduce them to mere crafters, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such debasement of their art, and to provide new shops and show venues for their future security — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Quilters; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to band together in the country of Quiltland. — The history of the present authorities in which the new citzens of Quiltland have resided is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the discounting of quilting as an art form and its translation into a quaint hobby.
We, therefore, the people of Quiltland, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, solemnly publish and declare, That Quiltland is a Free and Independent State and that as a Free and Independent State, we have full Power to levy War on restrictive budgets, conclude Peace to quilt in corners of hectic homes, contract Alliances world wide with other quilters, establish Commerce via Etsy shops, and to do all other fabric related Acts and Things which we may have a whim to do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Block Patterns, our Notions and our sacred Stashes.

Quilt showcategories

2007-12-07T00:29:00.000-08:00

The Queen has begun her legislative programme by decreeing a number of standard categories for quilt shows. Other categories may be added and indeed the Queen has expressed a view that she hopes that Chronicle readers will submit ideas of their own. To date the categories are:

1. Lap quilts
We all make them. They are not for a bed, they are not wall hangings. Why is there never a show category for them?

2. Most interested non-quilting spouse spotted at the show.
Subdivided into small ( under five feet five) and large ( over fivefeet five). Consideration was given to classifying contenders for this category by weight but it was considered impractical to weigh every spouse at the show as such spouses who do attend are inevitabley weighed down by their quilter's loose change, show guide, camera, bottle of water, bar of chocolate for energy, and bags of previous purchases, thus leaving the quilters hands free to root through traders' wares.

3. UFO's
The Judges will be instructed to be impressed by the sheer length of time the UFO has existed. Subdivided into
(a) piles of blocks
(b) flimsies ( completed but unquilted tops)
(c) Alex Anderson quilts ( the Queen once was delighted to hear this Princess of Quilting say that for her, putting on a binding meant whipping out a cheque book and paying someone else to do it.

4. Convergence quilts
A separate category of their own because technically they are not traditional but becuase everyone and his dog have followed Ricky Tim's instructions and made one their are not innovative either. Judges will be instructed to award prizes to a quilter who can best make this quilt not look like a Ricky Tims pattern. (the Quuen means no offence - she has one finshed and two in progress and only one is potentially anything different - but she made a mes sof that one).

5. Achieveable quilts
Quilters who have already won one prize anywehere for anything will be excluded from this category. The quilts submitted must have at least five mistakes / non-matching points, to be identified on the form

6. Tied quilts.
The Queen likes tied quilts. They don't end up like stiff pieces of cardboard and they can be finshed off whilst watching Grey's Anatomy. But don't you just know that they are never going to win a prize? Well now they can.

7. Bags.
The Queen has never won a quiltshow prize ( although she did sell the first quilt she enetred into a show to a show attender for more than the prize money in her category and was very, very smug about that!). However, on several occasions she has been stopped and had her bag admired and in fact at the Harrogate show goers even photographed it. So why not a bag category?

8. Touchy quilts.
Any style or size submitted by a quilter who actually doesn't care whether you use a white glove to touch her work or not, she is just delighted that you don't walk past, nose in the air, saying 'Hmmm, no, don't like that one.'

9. Unreal quilts.
By all means enter this if your quilt took over 300 hours to make, was quilted by hand using the finest goats hair, sheared by hand from your hand-reared angora billy goats, or if every point matches and every hand applique stitch is invisible. These quilts will be housed in a separate , curtained off area of the show in order that they shall be accessible to quilters who are aware that they are entering an adult category. Warnings will be posted that these quilts may cause feelings of inadequcy and despair in the average quilter.

10. Jealousy quilts.
A virtual show for quliters who actually didn't get around to even starting a UFO. Entrants will nominate a web page containing a digital photo of a quilt they wished they had made. Quilter and nominee will both get a prize.

4,

Quilt Police

2007-12-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

Rumblings of dissent were heard today amongst the residents of Quiltland as the Palace handed down an advance notfication of the Queen's plans for the establishment of a Quilt Police Force. Despite the informaton being embargoed until the official speech by the Queen concerned journalists were heard gossping about it in the Batik 'n' Bagels coffee shop and rumours soon spread.

"This is not what I expcted, " said one quilter. " I thought Quiltland was going to be a place of fun, ruled by a proponent of imprecison and improvisation."

Such concerns, however, may well have been put to rest once the whole content of the speech was heard. The Queen chose to address the nation from the isolated town of Barrow in Furness, Cumbria, England - having cause to go there on diplomatic duties as a Barrister in the English court system she took time out of a rushed lunch hour to plant a flag denoting a member island of Quiltland on the indoor market stall that was selling must-have half price pink batik and extra wide Chrstimas fabric for only £4 per meter.

Clutching her purchases she explained:
"Quilters in other lands have tradtionally frowned upon the very concept of a Quilt Police. However, really - men in uniform. What's not to like? Or indeed, for those who prefer it (for Quiltland is an equal oportunity state) women in uniform.

"Quiltland is following the Swiss tradition of being a Neutral country ( albeit with a blending out towards Japanese taupes and the addition of a duck egg blue zinger). It is thus inappropriate for there to be an army. However, that is not to say that our borders do not have to be secured. So there shall be a Quilt Police. Their duties are to stand guard at the doors of stashes throughtout the land and they shall have arrest powers in relation to employers, spouses and children who attempt to steal not only quilting space from citizens but also time. A precise criminal code will be produced - taking into account any views expressed via comments or email in due course."

The Queen also gave an indication of probable future legislation adding as she did,
"What there will not however be in Quiltland are Quilt Lollipop ladies. By Lollipop ladies I mean those high-visibilty clothed English local authority employees who supposedly guard school crosings. The ones who wait until drivers approach then jump out kamikase like with their stop signs. The ones who not only stop traffic to let children actually waiting at the crossing to cross the road but also stop it in anticipation of the school child who is trailing aimlessly two hundred yards away reaching the crossing. The ones who also stop traffic to let the mothers of children cross back over the road from the school to their illegally parked SUV's.

"There shall be none of those. The Quiltland equivalent would perhaps be the ladies who jump out at show attenders who are peering too closely at quilts, the teachers who stop all creativity by reminding beginners that stitches must be exactly 19 to the inch. No none of those. Of course Qulitland is welcoming to all quilters and so, once a source of state revenue has been established, such ladies will be funded to go on a re-education programme entitled'Quilting is for fun." and if needed an advanced course entitled 'Get a life'.

The Chronicle anticipates that the majority of residents will be happy with todays pronoucments but it remains to be seen whether mutterings from Judges in Houston result in a diplomatic crisis that will threaten this fledging state

Independence Day

2007-11-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

Today the nation of Quiltland declared its independance. An archipelago of several million islands, ranging from tiny outcrops of sewing to spacious art studios, this brand new land is already struggling to survive. Surrounded by hostile nations who claim that Quiltland is occupying land promised to them by the founding fathers of Woodwork and Mechanics, this tiny country is bravely establishing its legitimacy in the international community.

Ruled by a benign dictator Queen Helen it has a policy of open borders requiring only that would be immigrants produce evidence of quilting capacity or intention. Queen Helen has declared that she is not in favour of establishing a Westminster democracy by force and fears that her fragile dominion may fracture into internecine warfare if a representative sytem based on the traditional tribal divisions of handquilters, machine qulters, traditional quilters and art quilters is allowed to prevail.

Queen Helen said,
"I favour a policy of one quilter two opinions, after all, who has the time to finish all their UFOs and to make up their mind of constitutional issues?"

The Chronciles will be offering periodical commetary and lifestyle pieces from the world of Qulitland. As with any new nation the infrastrutcure is yet to be created and future posts may well deal with Internal Security ( to Quilt Police or not?), taxation, and citizenship. However Queen Helen says that her first priority is to have her nation recognised by as many UN nations as possible which can be achieved by a representative of each land leaving a comment below.

Until the next issue.
Go forth and quilt.